It is finally the end of year 2009 and the beginning of a new decade, 2010. 2009 was a very turbulent year for me. So many unexpected things happened, both good and bad, and such events force me to re-evaluate my life. Looking back, I can't help but realize that time passes, year after year, but I have not changed much. Neither have I accomplished anything and somehow, I feel that I have wasted much of my existing life away. I am tired of this, tired of always the same things, tired of feeling like a failure, an unaccomplished at the important things in life.
I have come to realize that I have not really appreciated anything that God has blessed me with. Whether material blessings, relationships or anything at all. I have always thought that everything I have in life was obtained by my strength alone and I was free to do what I want with them. I am a proud and selfish person. I only rely in myself and refuse to let God run my life. The result is a never ending chase at fleeting clouds and worthless dreams.
Recently, I learned two very important points of view. The first one is that it is in God's nature to first promise and after a certain time period, fulfillment of that promise. During the time in between, God wants us to develop our character so that He can bless us fully with what He intends for us. Simply put, the size of the blessing must fit the size of our character. If we did not develop ourself, in the end, God might have to reduce the blessing because He knows that by blessing us inappropriately, it would not be beficial for us. When God promised a son to Abraham, Abraham waited 25 years for the fulfillment of the blessing. But when the fulfillment came, Abraham was blessed more than he could ever imagine. Because of his patience and unyielding faith, God's blessing was so immense that all the nations of the earth are blessed through him.
The second is the fact that all good things comes from God our Father. Since all good things are from Him, we must learn to value the things that He has so graciously blessed us with. After all, when God bless, He only gives us the best. Unfortunately, I must confess that not only have I not valued the things that He has given me, but instead I have not treated His blessings for me with the right attitude and squandered them away with my selfishness and pride.
I have not learned that I should treat relationships that He has blessed me with respect. I constantly critize them, always thinking that my way is the best. I have not learned to listen to them, thinking that their views are meaningless. I have belittled them, thinking that they have nothing to contribute to my life. In the end, I realize that God has not taken his blessings away from me, but it was me who have single handedly thrown them all away.
Father, I am sorry for my thoughtlessness. I am sorry for my pride. Please forgive me as I come humbly before you, asking for Your forgiveness once again, as much as I don't deserve it. I realise that I can do nothing apart from You. Open my eyes that are still blinded by pride. Help me learn how to value all the people whom You have so graciously placed beside me. Help my to manage the material blessings that You have given me. I want to life for Your glory. I want to fulfill my destiny in You. Please grant me strength and faith that I might learn to trust in You.
There are so many things that I want to do in year 2010. Perhaps here will be a good place for me to list them down so that in a year, I can come back and see whether I manage to accomplish them. I am tired of living the same lifestyle over and over and seing time just passing by without having done anything meaningful. Hopefully 2010 will be a year of change and renewal.
1. Clear out all my debts and start saving a portion of my income.
2. Get back to 55kg and retrain my body.
3. Learn in-line skating.
4. Take up photography.
5. Retrain my drums.
6. Go for a mission trip.
7. Get serious with my career.
8. Be involved in church.
9. Appreciate the people around me.
10. Have a more intimate relationship with God.
Some of my goals are measurable and easily obtained. Some of them requires more persistance and some of them are not even measurable. But no matter what, at least I know what I want in life, know what is important to me and what I want to accomplish in 2010. I know that if the desires of my heart matches with His desires, then by His grace, all these can be done.
