2010

It is finally the end of year 2009 and the beginning of a new decade, 2010. 2009 was a very turbulent year for me. So many unexpected things happened, both good and bad, and such events force me to re-evaluate my life. Looking back, I can't help but realize that time passes, year after year, but I have not changed much. Neither have I accomplished anything and somehow, I feel that I have wasted much of my existing life away. I am tired of this, tired of always the same things, tired of feeling like a failure, an unaccomplished at the important things in life.

I have come to realize that I have not really appreciated anything that God has blessed me with. Whether material blessings, relationships or anything at all. I have always thought that everything I have in life was obtained by my strength alone and I was free to do what I want with them. I am a proud and selfish person. I only rely in myself and refuse to let God run my life. The result is a never ending chase at fleeting clouds and worthless dreams.

Recently, I learned two very important points of view. The first one is that it is in God's nature to first promise and after a certain time period, fulfillment of that promise. During the time in between, God wants us to develop our character so that He can bless us fully with what He intends for us. Simply put, the size of the blessing must fit the size of our character. If we did not develop ourself, in the end, God might have to reduce the blessing because He knows that by blessing us inappropriately, it would not be beficial for us. When God promised a son to Abraham, Abraham waited 25 years for the fulfillment of the blessing. But when the fulfillment came, Abraham was blessed more than he could ever imagine. Because of his patience and unyielding faith, God's blessing was so immense that all the nations of the earth are blessed through him.

The second is the fact that all good things comes from God our Father. Since all good things are from Him, we must learn to value the things that He has so graciously blessed us with. After all, when God bless, He only gives us the best. Unfortunately, I must confess that not only have I not valued the things that He has given me, but instead I have not treated His blessings for me with the right attitude and squandered them away with my selfishness and pride.

I have not learned that I should treat relationships that He has blessed me with respect. I constantly critize them, always thinking that my way is the best. I have not learned to listen to them, thinking that their views are meaningless. I have belittled them, thinking that they have nothing to contribute to my life. In the end, I realize that God has not taken his blessings away from me, but it was me who have single handedly thrown them all away.

Father, I am sorry for my thoughtlessness. I am sorry for my pride. Please forgive me as I come humbly before you, asking for Your forgiveness once again, as much as I don't deserve it. I realise that I can do nothing apart from You. Open my eyes that are still blinded by pride. Help me learn how to value all the people whom You have so graciously placed beside me. Help my to manage the material blessings that You have given me. I want to life for Your glory. I want to fulfill my destiny in You. Please grant me strength and faith that I might learn to trust in You.

There are so many things that I want to do in year 2010. Perhaps here will be a good place for me to list them down so that in a year, I can come back and see whether I manage to accomplish them. I am tired of living the same lifestyle over and over and seing time just passing by without having done anything meaningful. Hopefully 2010 will be a year of change and renewal.

1. Clear out all my debts and start saving a portion of my income.

2. Get back to 55kg and retrain my body.

3. Learn in-line skating.

4. Take up photography.

5. Retrain my drums.

6. Go for a mission trip.

7. Get serious with my career.

8. Be involved in church.

9. Appreciate the people around me.

10. Have a more intimate relationship with God.

Some of my goals are measurable and easily obtained. Some of them requires more persistance and some of them are not even measurable. But no matter what, at least I know what I want in life, know what is important to me and what I want to accomplish in 2010. I know that if the desires of my heart matches with His desires, then by His grace, all these can be done.

When Sorry Becomes Meaningless

Lately, I find myself spiralling down the tunnel of apologies again. It is one of those thing I dislike and it always happens at times when I feel weak and powerless. I believe that if I did something wrong unintentionally, then maybe a sorry is acceptable but when I do the same thing over and over again, then how much is the same apology worth? When one tries to strecth it, eventually it becomes meaningless.

Oh wretched man am I, I do the things that I do not want to do and the things I should be doing, I am not doing them. How long do I want to give myself this excuse? The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. But is that really the case? Do I even make an effort to try and control myself?

Even though the world thinks that emotions especially love is something which you cannot control, which I certainly agree to a certain extend, but the actions resulting from that emotion is something that can be restraint. Is love insane? Uncontrollable? Or do we try to mask our own selfishness with love and expect the world to agree with us? So what is love? I mean real love. Real love is supposed to be selfless, sacrificial and self-denying. To try our utmost to bring happiness to the one and expect nothing in return.

I am not professing that I am some kind of saint. No, far from it, I am someone who always thinks of returns first and expects unreasonably from another. However, I do not want to be that kind of person anymore. I look at the mirror and the only thing I see is regret. Lord, grant me grace and strength to change for it is only by Your power that I know I will be able to be who You want me to be. It is the desire of my heart to firstly please You. I do not want to someday, apologize to the person I love and she looks at me with eyes full of disbelieve and say what is the point anymore. Your sorrys mean nothing to me.

Freedom and Respect

Someone said if you love something greatly, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours for life.

When it comes to romantic relationships, some individuals become so highly motivated to find someone to love that they begin to violate well known principles of freedom in human interactions. I heard about one young man who was determined to win the affections of a girl who refused to see him. He decided to win her heart through the mail, so he wrote her a love letter every day.

In all, he wrote her more than 700 letters and as a result, she married the postman. Appearing too anxious and too available actually drives other people away rather than attracting them into a committed relationship.

Romantic love is one of those rare human endeavours that succeed the best when it requires the least effort. And remember that respect precedes love, and that relationships are constantly being tested by cautious lovers who like to nibble at the bait before swallowing the hook.

Dr James Dobson

Gratitude

During last three days, I have once again discovered that in life, the only people who can love you unconditionally are your family. They are the ones who will always be there for you, caring for you when you are down, giving u a push or a shove anytime you need one, gently rebuking you when you stray and hugging you so tight, that you wish you would never need to leave them. I love them from the bottom of my heart, so much so that I believe that words can no longer be adequate to express how much their presence meant to me especially throughout this period of my life. What hurt me most is not the fact that things happened. What hurt me most is seeing how my Grandma is in pain knowing that I am in pain. I need to be stronger for their sake.

Friends and colleagues, thank you so much for your continuous support throughout the past 3 weeks. I fully realize that my attitude has been crappy and my work performance was so bad that I had to burden you guys for your time and sympathy. All the advice, encouragement and gestures of not leaving me alone when I needed people around are forever etched in my heart. I hope I can be the person you guys think I am and I promise that I will be there for you guys whenever and wherever you guys need me, just as you guys did not abandoned me in the time of my greatest need.

Father in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. Truly You are the great Friend, Savior and Provider of my life. I am sorry to have only come back to You in my time of need. Please help me to be faithful because I realize that the emptiness in my heart can and should only be filled by You. I rest assured in Your guidance and I know that You have heard my cries. I know you were testing my faith and I realized that all these were necessary to bring me back to You, to depend on You and You alone, and not to put any other above You. I am sorry for my foolish ways and believing that my life can ever be complete without You. I re-commit myself to You and pray that You will watch over us, Father. I will have faith that You will protect us.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and bring you back from captivity."~Jeremiah 29:11-14a

Faith

Two days ago, I went out to have dinner with my colleagues. During the dinner, I remember a scene from a movie that I once watched and it played a major role in defining who I am today.

In the movie, the lead character was going to be married and went home to his parents' place where the wedding was going to be held on the following day. In the scene, he was flipping through the photographs of his parents over their long years of marriage. He asked his dad how did he knew that mom was the one for him. He himself was going to be married tomorrow but there is a nagging doubt in his mind whether his fiancee is the one for him.

His dad answered, "Son, when you look through these pictures of your mom and I, you can only see the parts where we were happy together. In between these pictures, we had thousands of problems and differences. There were times when both of us can't even stand each other. It takes a lot of hard work and sacrifice."

So I believe that in life, nothing is perfect. Work hard, play hard, try your best in everything. Always look forward to the next picture in life. I believe that is what having faith is all about.

Perspective

Sometimes, when you go in a meeting with CEO, CIO, Director, Millionaires, Lawyers and Senior Council, and you see how them putting their great minds and time together to work on one single problem, you can't help but realize that everything else in life seems so small and irrelevant.

I suddenly woke up and remember who I am. For the last two weeks, I had lost all confidence in myself. I forgot that David was always David and there was nothing wrong with me. There is nothing for me to be ashamed of. All of us are destined for great things. God has made it so and we just need to listen to Him.

I did not suddenly become a better person. I did not become stronger. It was just that my perspective changed and I realized that my world did not end. I love her the same. I miss her the same. My heart still hurts when I think about her. But the real question is this. Did I try my best? I did and I will have no regrets.

So instead of beating myself up for what could have been, I will now strive for what can be. It's not an overnight thing but I know I am on the right track. I thank God for putting back perspective in my life.